vent blog about my sh*tty ex (TW: mentions of r*pe, SA, z**philla, gr**ming, suic*de.)
Current mood:  miserable

just want to get this off my chest.
(this is going to be very long by the way)
about over a year and a half ago (july of 2022) i met this guy on the internet.
i was about 13, i was going through a bit of a rough patch in my life, and i really needed someone i could lean on during those times. so i met him, he was kind, caring, and very understanding of my troubles and the things i was going through at the time. was 15, so i started to develop feelings for him really quick (because god forbid the first person to show me kindness i fall in love with..) and apparently he had started to sorta get feelings for me as well, so we started to "date."
long story short, this didnt last for very long, he ended up disappearing one day, he was gone for around 2 whole months untill he came back. he scared me half to death with that, because he had told me in the past he was suicidal.
so i was releived to finally get back in touch with him after all that time.
little did i know he was just gonna up and leave again. for 6 months.
so, 6 months pass, im basically just then starting to move on and accept the fact he was gone (because i was very attached to him.)  he decided to finally show his face after half a f**king year of being gone.
now for the hard stuff. after a few days of catching up with him, what had been happening all that time he was gone, we decided to OFFICIALLY start dating. (i was now 14, he was 16)
after just like, not even barely a month into our relationship, he started to pressure me into sexual stuff.
like ever so slightly, not very much, but there was very much that sort of, feeling obligated to do it.
i was already really attached and bonded with him. so i felt like it was right. (and it wasnt like we hadnt discussed stuff like that before, so it felt ok at that time.)
but over time it got more and more...graphic? disgusting?
he was starting to talk about doing really like.."hardcore" things to me.
things that involved like, pain or non consent.
i wasnt really into that, and im still not, but i just did it so i could make him happy with me.
but again this still wasnt like, the worst he was saying.
this little "roleplay" thing he wanted to do started turning into him ACTUALLY wanting to r*pe and SA me outside of roleplay.
he was talking about wanting to torture me.
hurt me physically. beating the sh*t out of me.
he even talked about wanting to "f**k me so hard that i bleed and cry."
i really didnt enjoy any of this. i thought it was so weird that he wanted to do these things to me.
he said that he would never hurt me. or even try. and i beleived when he said those things...
i have screenshotted proof of him saying these things as well. but i wont provide those for the sake of others, because its really graphic and frankly revolting.
he would constantly degrade me and call me all these names. 
and if anyone is wondering if i ever spoke up against these things, i did. i tried.
he would go so far some times that i would HAVE TO intervene and make him stop.
but when i did he would just sit there and guilt trip me. make me feel bad for saying i wasnt comfortable with the things he was saying.
during "roleplays" i would genuinely fight back against him, just trying to ever so slightly hint to him that i REALLY wasnt enjoying what was being played out and discussed.
guess its my fault for not really trying hard enough there. but i was just scared that he was gonna get mad or start problems with me, because that had happened multiple times in the past when i directly tried to get him to stop.
and i was at a stage where he had began to isolate me away from all my friends, my family, everyone.
so i had nobody else besides him in my life, so i really couldnt leave because i couldnt stand he thought of being alone again.
and i knew if i left him i would just come crawling back.
he was getting so overbearing with everything, he was constantly dumping his problems onto me, so i could fix them.
i had my own problems and my own issues, and he knew that.
he didnt want me to prioritize myself, he just wanted all my attention everyday all day, and if i did have to go do something, he would get all whiny and try to guilt trip me into staying.
gonna try to shorten this a little more now, less details i guess.
so basically he also made me, start physically hurting myself over the phone.
it was "phone sex" but he made sure i had to make it painful for myself, there were a lot of times where i faked it.
but i couldnt fake it all the time because he would know if i was. im not the best and faking pained screams and whines.
i would be in so much pain after each "session." and i told him i would be in pain, but he clearly didnt care.
he would constantly make me do this, damn near everyday i had to do it ATLEAST once.
sometimes he would make me do it more than once in a day.
i think the highest amount he made me do it before in one day was four times.
FOUR TIMES. 
i was in so much damn f**cking pain i couldnt walk.
the only time i could get breaks from this was when i was on my period. 
again lomg story short, after a little while, he had a new sort of "interest" he wanted to talk to me about.
z**philla.
he had a thing for F**KING DOGS.
AND HE OWNED A DOG.
i hope and pray to whatever god thats up there if there even is one, he did not f**king touch that poor dog.
at that point i was just f***ing done.
i was making his life hell in everyway possible for that.
he ended up dumping me around 2 months ago.
good ridance.
i had to deal with that sh*t for 7 months straight.